A lot of people have been telling me lately that I look good - I don't look sick and I've actually gained weight (too much weight, I'm going to have to give up potato chips). And I feel guilty. I realize that I've been doing a victory lap in the last few months to say goodbye. I've given stuff away and cleared the decks and have been in waiting mode. Still partying, but also waiting. (I know, I know. I've been called on it)
The lab tech at my doctor's office (does my blood test) also mentioned how good I look. Over a month ago, he asked me to call his mother and talk to her because she had recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I didn't want to do it - what could I possible tell her? I'm not doing anything magical or even good. But I did call, didn't reach her and left a message. No one ever called back. Last week, when I went for my blood test, he told me his mother had died, 6 weeks after being diagnosed. He said the diagnosis came too late. But he also stuck me in both arms for my blood test. (Hmmm, blame?)
My cousin in Denver is dying of cancer. She has breast cancer and its metastasized into her sinus cavity and spine. They've asked her to go into hospice. I want to be there, but I've also got to continue my treatments. Guilt.
Its a fine line - trying to stay positive and take care of yourself, but also realizing this is one battle I might not win. I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself and wallow in depression twice a month, when I'm home on chemo. Otherwise, I'm still having a great time and have no intention of slowing down!
The photo is from a trip to Gettysburg National Military Park. Steve and I climbed to the top of Big Round Top to take landscape pictures (couldn't because of all the trees). Had a candlelight dinner at the Dobbin House and toured. I tried climbing onto the rocks at Little Round Top to take pictures, slipped and fell - on the camera. So, okay, adventure - with limits.
And now, a random video that just makes me happy! Haven't seen the movie "Secretariat" yet, but I'm working on it. Know what else makes me happy? Friends and family. Thanks for being there for me.