Cancer Bitch and the Season of Giving

This was supposed to be a positive post about Christmas and the power of friends and family. But I couldn't proceed without giving a shout out to Elizabeth Edwards and Ree Ree. Elizabeth died Tuesday - I heard about it shortly after returning from yet another round of chemo at Johns Hopkins. She was my role model. She handled her cancer with grace and good sense.

I hope Ree Ree can do the same. Aretha Franklin was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Its a hard road. They didn't say what her surgery was, but I hope it was a full whipple. It's the only kind of surgery that will buy you time. I wasn't eligible for it, but my fingers are crossed for her. I guess the only good news is she will FINALLY lose some weight. Not the best way to diet, but, hey, I'm all about making lemonade out of lemons....



Now, back to the positive. Christmas is the time for giving and I have two suggestions for holiday donations. God's Love We Deliver is a New York based charity that provides nutritious food to AIDS and cancer patients. I also recommend donations to the Johns Hopkins Pancreatic Cancer Research Center. Lets whip this bitch! Um, I mean, Merry Christmas...

Cancer Bitch - Gives Thanks

I have a lot to be thankful for. But it didn't take Thanksgiving to make me realize that.

Thanks to everyone who has driven my whiny butt to Johns Hopkins this year.

Thanks for the soups, casseroles, food gift cards, and the dinners out.


Thanks to everyone who said I look good bald.

Thanks to everyone who said my wig made me look like Mary J. Blige,
Thank you for the hats and scarves.

And, thank you to my family for being weird, wild, wacky and for being there.



(leaf prints on sidewalk in front of our house)

Cancer Bitch - Gets Rubbed the Right Way

I now have an excuse to get regular massages. A new study shows that it provides benefits for those with cancer or lots of stress. The Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine says "it boosts the body's infection-fighting white blood cells while also bringing down levels of immunity-weakening cortisol."

I recently booked a deep tissue massage at the Dansk Day Spa in Occoquan. When I told a colleague, she was concerned it would be too much for me.

"This is a regular massage," she said, taking my hand and gently rubbing it with hers. "This is a Swedish massage," she began rubbing her thumbs into the back of my hand. "And this is Deep Tissue massage," she dug her elbow into the back of my hand. Yikes! She advised me to ask for a "Swedish Massage and tell them to go deep."

It was too much for my chemo addled brain to process, so I went ahead with the Deep Tissue and came out just fine. I was not sore the next day as many had predicted. I went back last weekend and had the Swedish Massage. It was HEAVEN! I have another appointment with Angie in mid-December, probably when I'll need it the most. I don't know if it helps, but it sure as hell feels good!

And, now, here it is - your moment of zen. Sit in a quiet place in the Lotus position and say, "Ommmmmm...."

Cancer Bitch - The Audacity of Hope

I won't bury the lead - today (Friday) I had another CT scan and my tumor has shrunk another millimeter. The tumor on my liver has disappeared. So, to celebrate, my doctor is putting me on another round of chemo until the end of December, then he promises me a break.

Its been almost a year since I was diagnosed and I really didn't think I'd see another Christmas. One friend (and unofficial life coach) told me that I had given up and it was true. I wouldn't buy myself new clothes to fit my new weight unless they were from Wal-Mart or a yard sale. I was giving my stuff away (sound familiar "crazed stringbean"?

Last week, two buddies from college paid a visit. On our way out of the house, headed to the mall, I stopped to rummage in my purse for my medicine and, Lord, if we all weren't reaching for the water bottle to take our meds! We had a good laugh about our mutual decrepitude. Before they left, Lady T gave me a book by Thea Bowman, a Roman Catholic nun who died of cancer in 1990, Thea Bowman: In My Own Words

My favorite quote:

"Part of my approach to my illness has been to say I want to choose life, I want to keep going, I want to live fully until I die... I don't know what the future holds. In the meantime, I am making a conscious effort to learn to live with discomfort, and, at the same time, to go about my work. I find that when I am involved in the business of life, when I'm working with people...I feel better. A kind of strength and energy comes with that."

So, ya'll. I went out and bought a new wardrobe. Jones New York and rocking some new boots. (um, Steve, we need to talk....)


Life is.

Cancer Bitch-Survivors Guilt

A lot of people have been telling me lately that I look good - I don't look sick and I've actually gained weight (too much weight, I'm going to have to give up potato chips). And I feel guilty. I realize that I've been doing a victory lap in the last few months to say goodbye. I've given stuff away and cleared the decks and have been in waiting mode. Still partying, but also waiting. (I know, I know. I've been called on it)

The lab tech at my doctor's office (does my blood test) also mentioned how good I look. Over a month ago, he asked me to call his mother and talk to her because she had recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I didn't want to do it - what could I possible tell her? I'm not doing anything magical or even good. But I did call, didn't reach her and left a message. No one ever called back. Last week, when I went for my blood test, he told me his mother had died, 6 weeks after being diagnosed. He said the diagnosis came too late. But he also stuck me in both arms for my blood test. (Hmmm, blame?)

My cousin in Denver is dying of cancer. She has breast cancer and its metastasized into her sinus cavity and spine. They've asked her to go into hospice. I want to be there, but I've also got to continue my treatments. Guilt.

Its a fine line - trying to stay positive and take care of yourself, but also realizing this is one battle I might not win. I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself and wallow in depression twice a month, when I'm home on chemo. Otherwise, I'm still having a great time and have no intention of slowing down!

The photo is from a trip to Gettysburg National Military Park. Steve and I climbed to the top of Big Round Top to take landscape pictures (couldn't because of all the trees). Had a candlelight dinner at the Dobbin House and toured. I tried climbing onto the rocks at Little Round Top to take pictures, slipped and fell - on the camera. So, okay, adventure - with limits.

And now, a random video that just makes me happy! Haven't seen the movie "Secretariat" yet, but I'm working on it. Know what else makes me happy? Friends and family. Thanks for being there for me.

Cancer Bitch and Crazy Cancer Bitch

I've always swung back and forth on Elizabeth Edwards. I've admired her fight against breast cancer, admired her books - then "Game Change" was published and I read about the "abusive, intrusive, paranoid and crazy" Elizabeth Edwards. Who is this woman?

Last week I watched the "Nate Berkus Show and his interview with her was fascinating. She's opened her own interior design store, "Red Window," because she wanted something for her future that had nothing to do with her past. She talked candidly about her divorce from John Edwards. (hasn't decided yet what to do with the photos of the two of them hanging on the wall) She said they are amicable - "I see the father of my children, and that’s very important to me. Particularly since I have a terminal disease, this is the person who at some point will take over the primary parenting, and it’s important to me that he heals if he needs too."

She knows she has a year, maybe two, and described her life as "a sled going downhill." She also said she's accepted John's baby with Rielle- going as far to say she'd thought about buying stuff at Baby Gap - because the child was innocent and would be growing up with her kids after she was gone. But she hasn't quite forgiven him yet. Oh, and she also admitted she's a bargain shopper:




The interview was taped at her house in Chapel Hill. She was supposed to appear live later on in the show but instead skyped in from North Carolina - she's on a new cancer medication, looked frail and had lost her hair again. Damn, I'm starting to admire her again.....

Cancer Bitch and Fear at Hopkins

All of this madness occurred Thursday - fortunately, my appointment was on Friday. My appointments are in the Weinberg Building, next door to Nelson. It was all my nurses today could talk about. They said Thursday it was business as usual, even though they were in lockdown - too many patients depending on treatment - so they kept working. Wow. I'd have been ready to run for the hills!

Now for the good news. It seems I've won the lottery - at least as far as pancreatic cancer is concerned. The CT scan shows my tumor has shrunk a little bit more, so the doctor is going to have me undergo two more rounds. Steve asked what happens after that, and Dr. Zeng didn't know - he says pancreatic cancer patients don't usually make it to this point. So I guess I was kind of premature in giving away a bunch of my stuff. And, yes, I will take better care of myself. No more nightly ice cream binges. ("Lemon Custard" day isn't until September 24 at Milwaukee Custard)