Cancer Bitch - The Audacity of Hope

I won't bury the lead - today (Friday) I had another CT scan and my tumor has shrunk another millimeter. The tumor on my liver has disappeared. So, to celebrate, my doctor is putting me on another round of chemo until the end of December, then he promises me a break.

Its been almost a year since I was diagnosed and I really didn't think I'd see another Christmas. One friend (and unofficial life coach) told me that I had given up and it was true. I wouldn't buy myself new clothes to fit my new weight unless they were from Wal-Mart or a yard sale. I was giving my stuff away (sound familiar "crazed stringbean"?

Last week, two buddies from college paid a visit. On our way out of the house, headed to the mall, I stopped to rummage in my purse for my medicine and, Lord, if we all weren't reaching for the water bottle to take our meds! We had a good laugh about our mutual decrepitude. Before they left, Lady T gave me a book by Thea Bowman, a Roman Catholic nun who died of cancer in 1990, Thea Bowman: In My Own Words

My favorite quote:

"Part of my approach to my illness has been to say I want to choose life, I want to keep going, I want to live fully until I die... I don't know what the future holds. In the meantime, I am making a conscious effort to learn to live with discomfort, and, at the same time, to go about my work. I find that when I am involved in the business of life, when I'm working with people...I feel better. A kind of strength and energy comes with that."

So, ya'll. I went out and bought a new wardrobe. Jones New York and rocking some new boots. (um, Steve, we need to talk....)


Life is.

Cancer Bitch-Survivors Guilt

A lot of people have been telling me lately that I look good - I don't look sick and I've actually gained weight (too much weight, I'm going to have to give up potato chips). And I feel guilty. I realize that I've been doing a victory lap in the last few months to say goodbye. I've given stuff away and cleared the decks and have been in waiting mode. Still partying, but also waiting. (I know, I know. I've been called on it)

The lab tech at my doctor's office (does my blood test) also mentioned how good I look. Over a month ago, he asked me to call his mother and talk to her because she had recently been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I didn't want to do it - what could I possible tell her? I'm not doing anything magical or even good. But I did call, didn't reach her and left a message. No one ever called back. Last week, when I went for my blood test, he told me his mother had died, 6 weeks after being diagnosed. He said the diagnosis came too late. But he also stuck me in both arms for my blood test. (Hmmm, blame?)

My cousin in Denver is dying of cancer. She has breast cancer and its metastasized into her sinus cavity and spine. They've asked her to go into hospice. I want to be there, but I've also got to continue my treatments. Guilt.

Its a fine line - trying to stay positive and take care of yourself, but also realizing this is one battle I might not win. I'm allowed to feel sorry for myself and wallow in depression twice a month, when I'm home on chemo. Otherwise, I'm still having a great time and have no intention of slowing down!

The photo is from a trip to Gettysburg National Military Park. Steve and I climbed to the top of Big Round Top to take landscape pictures (couldn't because of all the trees). Had a candlelight dinner at the Dobbin House and toured. I tried climbing onto the rocks at Little Round Top to take pictures, slipped and fell - on the camera. So, okay, adventure - with limits.

And now, a random video that just makes me happy! Haven't seen the movie "Secretariat" yet, but I'm working on it. Know what else makes me happy? Friends and family. Thanks for being there for me.

Cancer Bitch and Crazy Cancer Bitch

I've always swung back and forth on Elizabeth Edwards. I've admired her fight against breast cancer, admired her books - then "Game Change" was published and I read about the "abusive, intrusive, paranoid and crazy" Elizabeth Edwards. Who is this woman?

Last week I watched the "Nate Berkus Show and his interview with her was fascinating. She's opened her own interior design store, "Red Window," because she wanted something for her future that had nothing to do with her past. She talked candidly about her divorce from John Edwards. (hasn't decided yet what to do with the photos of the two of them hanging on the wall) She said they are amicable - "I see the father of my children, and that’s very important to me. Particularly since I have a terminal disease, this is the person who at some point will take over the primary parenting, and it’s important to me that he heals if he needs too."

She knows she has a year, maybe two, and described her life as "a sled going downhill." She also said she's accepted John's baby with Rielle- going as far to say she'd thought about buying stuff at Baby Gap - because the child was innocent and would be growing up with her kids after she was gone. But she hasn't quite forgiven him yet. Oh, and she also admitted she's a bargain shopper:




The interview was taped at her house in Chapel Hill. She was supposed to appear live later on in the show but instead skyped in from North Carolina - she's on a new cancer medication, looked frail and had lost her hair again. Damn, I'm starting to admire her again.....

Cancer Bitch and Fear at Hopkins

All of this madness occurred Thursday - fortunately, my appointment was on Friday. My appointments are in the Weinberg Building, next door to Nelson. It was all my nurses today could talk about. They said Thursday it was business as usual, even though they were in lockdown - too many patients depending on treatment - so they kept working. Wow. I'd have been ready to run for the hills!

Now for the good news. It seems I've won the lottery - at least as far as pancreatic cancer is concerned. The CT scan shows my tumor has shrunk a little bit more, so the doctor is going to have me undergo two more rounds. Steve asked what happens after that, and Dr. Zeng didn't know - he says pancreatic cancer patients don't usually make it to this point. So I guess I was kind of premature in giving away a bunch of my stuff. And, yes, I will take better care of myself. No more nightly ice cream binges. ("Lemon Custard" day isn't until September 24 at Milwaukee Custard)

Cancer Bitch Takes a Snooze

This week's weird symptom: everytime I nod my head forward, the bottoms of my feet tingle. No one can explain why this happens - the doctor just looks at me and says, "chemo isn't doing this." The nurse told me I can avoid this by not nodding my head.

My chemo session went well this week - got in and out in record time, and slept through the entire procedure. The nurse actually had to wake me up to unplug me. Marlis was my driver - we got back early enough to get lunch and make a "Ross" run.
Next week I get yet another CT scan and have a meeting with my Doctor.

I blame "chemo brain" for forgetting that my wedding anniversary was a celebration of 17 years of marriage - not 15, and not 18! I don't do math. It was a wonderful weekend. Mary and Phil flew in from Idaho for the Boise State game and we had Saturday brunch at Eastern Market. (fish breakfast with North Carolina grits and scrambled eggs). We also bought homemade Pop Tarts at another restaurant.

Steve and I went out to a wonderful dinner at the Old Anglers Inn (I had scallops, he had Prime Rib). Sunday we went over to Mike and Geri's for dinner and other friends surprised us there. (Pound Cake with Chambord Sauce!) Thank goodness I still have an appetite.
We have wonderful friends.

Cancer Bitch Gets Served

Today my posse for the trip to JH was a friend who makes a mean Chicken Tetrazinni and homemade Pound Cake!

We exchanged stories on the road about childhood run-ins with bears in Yellowstone (both times bears leaned on cars scaring the crap out of us) and hiking past steam vents at Volcano National Park in Hawaii (once again scaring the crap out of us). She told me about her new glasses, and I told her about my vision problems in May (which went away) and how I continued driving to work at that time. She went ballistic!

Told me that I was alternately gung-ho about fighting cancer and passive-aggressive with negativity - saying to myself I'm not going to survive this anyway and can therefore justify eating an entire bag of potato chips. Caught! It was so true I had to laugh out loud. That's what happens when you ride with a professional life coach. I had a huge chunk of her pound cake for dinner, but I'll have a salad and lots of fruit tomorrow.....

Cancer Bitch - "No Grits No Glory"

We're back from a whirlwind summer of travel - Grand View, NY; Parkersburg, WV; Pensacola, FL. Am now back on chemo and wishing I were back on the beach. We saw movies ("Dinner for Schmucks" "Salt" "Despicable Me" ate a LOT of food and actually got some rest.

Now, I loved "Lulu's" and "Rockland Bakery" in Nyack, and had fabulous "Grape Salad" in Parkersburg (yeah, I know its not really a salad - details, details). But my favorite place in Pensacola was the "Coffee Cup"(went three times) where I discovered the joys of deep-fried French Toast. Its a southern axiom that anything tastes better deep-fried and damn that French Toast was good!

My second discovery was "Grits A Yaya." They did a lot of creative stuff with grits in Pensacola (Nassau Grits also fabulous). But the "Fish House" restaurant's Grits a Yaya made with smoked gouda and shrimp made me actually consider moving to Florida to be near my new love. My vacation resulted in a gain of 12 pounds. Success!

(shout out to "Oh Snap" cupcakes in Pensacola where Mom was scandalized by the price of $2.50 per cupcake!)

My third discovery was I could actually take it easy and still have a good time. And when people allowed me to rest or when they offered help - I learned to accept it graciously. My cousin, Shenae, actually whipped up some "Spiced Pecans" when I came over for dinner.

You know this was a long time coming. I didn't want to feel like "The Patient" and I was determined to party as hard as I did before the big "C". But I learned, thanks to all who hung out with me this summer, its the people not the party. Took long enough....

Now my next party will feature giant cupcakes and Grits a Yaya. With limoncello!




A very empty Pensacola Beach.